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Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)
slam! turley an industry populated with a lot of good people. i don't want to be so hard on these guys. you know? they did business with terrorists at the bank. everybody walked in. you don't know what they do. it's not like they were working with and counseling enemies on how to circumvent the entire security april rat russ. >> on at least one occasion hsbc taught them how to format messages so transactions would not be blocked by the united states. >> jon: are you (bleep) kidding me? they worked personally with these people to help them -- that is outrageous. i cannot believe our nation's enemies are getting better and more personal bank customer service than i am. i am going to have to transfer to hsbc. we can take solids. at least the hsbc guys they are going to send them up the river to the big house. >> not one person from hsbc will face prosecution. there's no criminal charges against any of the managers or individuals who lewd this to go on. >> jon: yeah, no, obviously river is the big house. by river i mean the same and by big house i mean a mansion on it. [ laughter ] so what
? ♪ thunder road "oh, we popped!" 'cause our bodies give us away. we get sexually excited. your bodies don't do that. it's not fair. if it was fair, when you got excited, your vagina would emit a little sound or something. hot guy walks by... [ mumbling and snarling ] [ laughter, cheers and applause ] "you want me to cut you with a knife? you want me to cut you with a knife?" [ snarling ] my name's mo mandel. thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome owe to "the daily show". any name is jon stewart. good show tonight. my guest tonight the wonderful jeff bridges is going to be joining us. we're very excited about that. [cheers and applause] so obviously for the past few nights we've talked about heavy, complex difficult to solve issues like gun control, the fiscal give. girard depardu's heard breaking-really heartbreaking -- from his beloved f
for citizenship. (bleep) >> don't let him get on top. >> what carwash did you guys meet at? >> you are cute. how did you meet? >> on line. for what french fries. >> bobby lee would you go up on her? anthony, this is your type, no? >> she looks like a cartoon of a whore. >> she took that well. >> she takes a lot of things well. >> enough with the bread already. ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." [cheers and applause] i'm jon stewart. oh, we've got a good one for you tonight. general billy mc-- stanley mcchrystal. last night we talked fiscal cliff. in the wake of things that happened. newtown a roara, portland, tucson -- it's a 22 minute show so i'm not going to list everybody but finally everybody is ready to talk about gun violence. the patrol has been ready for quite some time now. let's have that conversation people. nothing is off the table. no bad idea. it's a safe space. let's start the discussion on gun violence. let's talk a
be the criteria for the lunatic database? what would you say to get on it? >> americans don't want to be added to that pile of dead people that have been left defenseless by the u.n. policies. [ laughter ] >> jon: lapierre with two rs or one? i don't want to cull a conversation britt starts. mental health cares that be on table but that leads to other problems, crimes, gun, violence. >> we don't have a crime problem, or a gun problem, or even a violence problem. what we have a sin problem. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> jon: is this about me masturbating? is in a -- is that what this is about? look, i didn't know that that was considered a national issue. [ laughter ] look, we can dance around the issue all we want. we can blame movies or the video games or the mentally ill or god and we have to put it's a complex problem and all solutions have to bone the table but it's time we talk about guns. >> i don't want to do this. i don't want to do this gun control discussion right now. there's a day, a place and a time for all that. >> jon: it's today, right now. it's absolutely the time to talk about
will try to waste your time in this city. this is how to get out of any conversation you don't wanna have. if somebody comes up to you, they're wasting your time, turn to them and say this sentence. "have you heard the word of the lord?" [audience laughing] seriously. [applause] whether you're religious or not, they will walk away from you. i was trying to get to a club to work. i was late-- this guy cut me off. he was trying to sell me a phone. he goes into this whole spiel. i stopped him-- "excuse me, sir. "have you heard the word of the lord?" he turned around, opposite direction. and i was like, "wow, you know what? "jesus christ really is my personal savior. "he helps me, and he will return." tupac resurrection-- tupac resurrection. that's all my time. you guys were really beautiful for me. thank you so much-- thank you. [cheers] thank you, again. [applause] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hello, everybody. welcom
don't look that up. how would it work? >> in theory the treasury would mint the coin and walk it over the federal reserve for deposit so the government could pay it bills. >> jon: really? really mr. tibbl snerks. [ laughter ] i don't want to bust your bibbles here, but you know you are only holding a quarter, snriet sure they could mint a trillion dollar coin and walk it over the treasury even though it could be the most tempting walk in history because we know the store across the street is chocolate, blowjobs and beyond. you definitely want to -- [ laughter ] you know, we don't need some trillion dollar coin gimmick. we need to take the u.s. dollar serious again. >> president obama will nominate his chief of staff at the white house jack lew toll bet next -- to be the next treasury secretary. >> it will be his signature at the bottom of our currency. it will look something like this. [ laughter ] >> jon: that injure signature? or jut -- that is your significant in signature or are you testing to see if the pen works? [ laughter ] hey, lew, shire -- here is a tip, stop signing your c
a vaginal we can trans, don't you? (laughter) now this is very crafty case for gay marriage proponents to bring to the supreme court. as the case sets it is a bit of a trap for conservatives. >> the domo case considers whether someone lived with a domestic party for 35 years should have to pay estate taxes whereas had they been parried as husband and wife she would not have to pay estate taxes. >> jon: there's the question, conservatives, you can eliminate the estate tax for a whole lot of people but only if you let them get gay married. (laughter) it's a veritable reagan's choice. (laughter) what are we going to do? (applause) gay marriage or double taxation. gay marriage or double taxation. obviously the positions on this issue have been well staked out. proponents of gay paerj say their unions are deserving of the same dignity, respect and rights as those of straight couples and are asking for nothing more than equal protection under the law. to which their opponents smartly argue -- >> i've been waiting to ask you this question. >> go on. >> if the space don't love, can three peopl
- what did i tell you? that's a large flush already! you don't have a chance in here, user! your pathetic little-- - yahtzee. - what? - yahtzee. sixes. - no! it can't be! - yahtzee! - no! aah! - oh...[panting] - oh, thank god. - hey, stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore? - my facebook profile went rogue, dad. had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. i sent all my friends somewhere else. - oh, okay. so we're--we're not friends then? - [bleep] off, dad. [beep] - ahhhh. ahhahahahahahaha! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to the daily show with jon stewart. i'm very excited to be back on the air. all right. you may have noticed our show, we were on a little bit of a hiatus in the past two weeks because we possess the same work ethic as children in the private school. i don't know what to tell you because while we were gone in just three weeks everything happened ever. tragedies, incompetency. i don't kn
in the private school. i don't know what to tell you because while we were gone in just three weeks everything happened ever. tragedies, incompetency. i don't know even know where to [bleep] start tonight. gun debate? hillary clinton's fake fake brain blood clot? barack obama is filling up his cabinet with old white guys and republicans like chuck hagel? meanwhile some republicans are up with the hagel pick because of his possible antigay views. the democrats are filling in with the old white guys and the republicans are helping the the gays. i can't wait to see what the daily show is going to do with that story. there's no time. there's too much. dam damn you mayans. why couldn't the world have ended when you said it was going to end because that's what i was planning on. now i've got three trillion cans of creamed corn in my basement. waaa! we're going to get to all that in the next week or two because after that we have a two-month midwinter hiatus. but we have to start somewhere. here we go. our top story tonight, world renown thes pee and gerard depardieu has decided to depart france. (mu
Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)